Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
