The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
