I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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