I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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