This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
