Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
