Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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