he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Is that strawberry winking at me??
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
