so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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