Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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