my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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