I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
