woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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