Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
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You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
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I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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