Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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