There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
