Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
