Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I don't deserve a penis
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
