her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
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I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
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Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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