This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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