In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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