I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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