her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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