I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
