As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
