I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
The best revenge is premature balding
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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