It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We just shotgunned beers for America
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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