Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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