Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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