You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He passed out mid-signature
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
