I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Randomize
