3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
