I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
