youre lurking in front of me
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
