i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
