bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Lo siento on account of my penis...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My life is pants optional.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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