Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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