I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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