I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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