you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize