there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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