dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
