I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
