I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
cat food counts as protein by the way
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
