My sheets look like a crime scene.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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