well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
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As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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