If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
40s are totally the cure
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
