I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
