I only kidnapped one of them. chill
We named our party play list daddy issues
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I touched a dick in church today
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
