He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
