i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
