Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize