hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
