I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just threw up on my dentist
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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