I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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