haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
