I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
