Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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