I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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